The Pill

It's been a while since I last visited the AP section in PEx. I was browsing the new threads when I bumped into this: http://www.pinoyexchange.com/forums/showthread.php?t=614008. I became intrigued by the thread title. "Iinom ka ba ng isang gamot para di ka na maging isang bakla?" (Would you take a pill to be a straight guy?).I was surprised to see that other readers got offended by the topic. And I was surprised even more when I realized that I'm not offended at all. Actually, I thought the topic would be full of fun. Reading it made me realize that it acted as an eye opener for me.

I'm a self-proclaimed pessimist when it comes to my future. I always think of what will my life be several years from now. Will I be rich, will I have a very successful career, will I have someone who loves me and I also love beside me and will my family stick with me through these blessings. I often have a long night thinking about these things. Thinking while talking to Him. Making Him listen to all my questions, to all my worries. I sometimes end up crying because of worrying about it.

Opinions of people about me are one of the things I value a lot. Especially opinions from the people I greatly love. I don't know if it's a good thing because it's a contrary to the cliche that you can do whatever you like, as long as you're not hurting anyone, don't think of the opinions of other people around you. But I believe it's helping to me think before I act and I think that's a very good guide in life because you may end up hurting the people you love when you're not thinking rationally before doing a stupid thing.

To answer the thread title, I'd say no, I'll not take the pill. I haven't got into deep thinking before I ended up to that answer. Right after I comprehended the question, I already got my answer. It's not really that hard to think about it. I've been  laghed at, teased, bullied and even cursed to death because of being gay. Now you're wondering why won't I take the pill. It's because of the drastic changes that will happen to my life. Even though life for me would be not hard as this one and my future will be clearer, I don't think that's enough to throw away my true self.

For me, drinking the pill means you don't love your true self, you curse your own life and worst, you don't trust Him. Even though I've experienced many hardships in being gay, I never doubted the love God is giving me. I just think that all the problems I'm facing because of being gay are just experiences that will give lessons to me. Life will be very different once I take the pill, people around me will change their attitude towards me. Some will come, some will go. And you know I really hate goodbyes. With the things said, I don't think taking the pill will give me the real happiness and contentment I've been dreaming of. From there, I'll whole-heartedly not take the pill. Thank you so much. Charot.

You, will you take it?

KSGB. :-)

Stress Drilon

Grabe, it's been a while na pala since I last posted here. Actually, wala pa kong post for this year, technically. My only post was last January which was a repost lang. Omg, where will I start? Uhhhmm, I've been busy these past few months sa work. Yes! Believe it or not, I've been working here and there for the past weeks. Nalipat kase ako ng team. Dun nagsimula ang kalbaryo ko. Char!

For the whole 2012, I've never worked directly with my manager. Laging sa TL lang kami dumidiretso. Tapos wala pa masyadong binibigay na tasks sakin dati kaya laging maluwag ang sched ko. I can have a lunch for two hours then I'll leave the office early to go out with my friends. Pero hindi na pwede yun ngayon! Kaloka. There was a re-assignment last January. Yung senior samin, nagkaron ng sariling project and she proposed to my boss na ako na lang yung pumalit sa kanya to continue the things she left off. It's a very good opportunity for me kase alam ko na mas maganda and mas mahirap yung ipapagawa sakin. I'm sure madami akong matututunan. 

Nahirapan akong mag-adjust sa simula. Masyadong high-level yung mga work then after that, magiging low-level. Kelangang mag-adjust. Wala akong ibang kausap sa team except for my manager. Palagian ko siyang ka-e-mail for the updates sa status ng project/s. We started to coordinate with each other na hindi naman namin nagagawa dati dahil I have no business with him and vice versa kase nga TL ko lang yung kausap ko lagi. Time came na hindi na lang basta basta updates ng kung anik anik(documents, estimates, etc.) yung ginagawa ko kundi update na ng actual work. Dito nagsimula yung kalbaryo ko.

Harsh magsalita yung boss ko. Hindi niya lang ata alam. Me issue dito sa company na kaya hindi tumataas yung position niya is because of his attitude. Ok fine, manager siya pero when you compare him sa mga kasabayan niya, yung iba, AVP na, meron pang VP. Kumusta naman. Madami na din akong nakakwentuhan na nagrereklamo sa ugali niya. Akala ko nga dati nag-iinarte lang ako. Akala ko sensitive lang ako. Ever since kase, hindi ko na feel yung manager ko. Sa interview pa lang nun para sa deployment sa company nila, badtrip na badtrip na ako paglabas ko ng building. Noon lang kase ako nakatagpo ng professional na asal squatter. Charot! Eh kase naman no! Nilait pa niya yung company namin. Kaloka siya.

Worst thing I experienced sa kanya eh yung he said to me while on the phone, "Ano ba 'tong gawa mo?! Ibabasura lang 'to ng makakabasa eh!". Shet diba, parang hindi nag-aral! Napakagat labi na lang ako. Aminado naman ako na medyo kulang yung output ko. Pero the fact na nagsisimula pa lang ako sa mga ganung uri ng tasks, tapos tinulungan pa ko nung senior ko para maproduce yung output na yun, tapos yun lang matatanggap ko. Nakakaloka talaga siya. Sana inintindi niya muna na nagsisimula pa lang ako sa ganun kahirap na work. Hindi man lang siya nagbigay ng benefit of the doubt. Meron pang mga incidents na muntik na niya akong mapaiyak sa sobrang harsh niya magsalita, buti na lang sa phone lang yun. Pano pa kung sa personal. Nasa 46th floor kase siya. Eh nalipat ako sa 29th nitong 2013. Mabuti na lang talaga nalipat na ko. Parang hindi ko ata kakayanin na sisigaw-sigawan niya ako sa harap ng madaming tao. It's so embarrassing, you know! Hahaha.

Pero feeling ko naman, me tinatago pa ding kabaitan 'tong si bossing. Sobrang tago nga lang. Naka-lock sa isang treasure chest deep inside his heart tapos nawala na yung susi. Hahahahahahahahaha. Charot lang. Me mga times naman kase na malumanay niya akong kinakausap. Mga .0007% of the time, ganyan. Charot lang. Dagdagan natin, mga .0008%. Charot ulet. Hahahahaha. Seriously, ayun nga me mga instances naman na mabait siya. Mas madami nga lang yung masungit siya. Madalas ko nga siyang nakukwento sa friends ko. Sa sobrang inis ko, kung ano ano nasasabi ko. Lahat ng negative sa boss ko nakwento ko na. Like nangangamot ng tiyan during the meeting tapos yung ngipin niya anlaki laki. Hahahaha. Ang bad ko, sheyt! Hahahaha. 

But honestly, maganda yung experience ko sa work ngayon, maganda yung opportunity na binibigay sakin tapos andami dami kong natututunan. Nakakagawa na ko ng mga tasks na pang-seniors. Yun nga lang talaga, mukhang hindi ko matatagalan yung boss ko. 80% ata ng stress ko, sa kanya galing. LOL. Kaya nag-a-apply ako sa ibang company nowadays. Malaking factor si bossing tsaka yung kaliitan ng sahod ko sa paghahanap ko ng new work. Kumusta naman kase yung wala pa sa kalahati ng minimum yung sahod ko. CHAR! Charot lang. Baka magkatotoo. Hahahaha. Nito ngang bago mag-Holy Week, nakailang apply ako, pero karamihan sablay. Rare kase yung capability ko tapos konti lang din yung naghahanap. Kapag bumalik naman ako sa dati kong capability, nahihirapan akong magsinungaling sa interviewer na gusto ko yun. Sa sobrang honest ko, nabe-blurt out ko during interview na mas gusto ko yung work ko ngayon. Ayun, sablay agad. Hahaha.

Sa ngayon, eto, medyo busy pa din sa work. Kakatapos ko lang sa isang task na pinagawa sakin ni manager. Naka-ilang revision ako sa kaartehan niya. Akala mo naman maganda yung output kapag siya yung gumawa. Che! Hahaha. Gosh, buong post ko, puro work talaga. Eh kase wala gaanong sigla yung social life ko. Lalo na yung lovelife! Hahaha. Mahaba na 'tong post ko. Magkwento ulit ako next time. Mga August, ganyan. Charot. Pipilitin kong mag-post kahit mukhang wala namang nagbabasa nito. Hahahaha.

KSGB! :-)